


i know you, you need me

by lategenocide



Series: this is keshi. [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breakups, College, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pain, Post Breakups, Renjun is sad, also come out and play, changes povs halfway, donghyuck is a protective best friend, implied suicide attempt and/or death, inspired by keshi''s onoffoffon and more, jaemin is oblivious to it, jaemin party boy to hide pain, kun is protective, renjun has several breakdowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26506264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lategenocide/pseuds/lategenocide
Summary: “Stop it,” Renjun wants to cry, but one of them has to hold it together because Jaemin’s eyes are glazed with alcohol and he just stares stupidly at Renjun, whose too close to another mental breakdown to be soothing a drunk disaster.Jaemin slurs out an, “I love you” when Renjun guides him to the front door of his dorm.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Series: this is keshi. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746751
Comments: 15
Kudos: 70





	i know you, you need me

**Author's Note:**

> the keshi songs that inspired are: onoffonoff & more  
> \+ honorable mention to billie eilish's come out and play for making me cry today & inspiring me to complete the fic

Renjun could feel the distance between them again. 

Jaemin had always been a fickle person, running with the wind, listening to his emotions, and his pleasure-driven thoughts. He broke hearts, but he didn’t care-at least, it didn’t seem like he cared. He had several relationships, yet he would always fall back to Renjun, again and again. It was a treacherous cycle between them, but as they broke away from each other, time and time again, Jaemin would worm himself back into Renjun’s heart like it was nothing.

He couldn’t decide whether he was just a pitiful person or Jaemin was just that special to him. - Either way, he didn’t like it. Renjun preferred stability, probably some trait that Kun had rubbed off on him. But he liked to think of himself as a reasonable person even if he was a bit of a pushover for Jaemin. 

Renjun stared at the text messages on his phone. His little, insignificant “Jeno wanted to hang out next Friday, you up for that?” right under a bland conversation from a week ago. It felt like another breakup when they drifted apart towards their more fitting friend groups. 

His lock screen was a photo of them in high school when they had first started this on and off relationship. Renjun had never thought back then that this was what it would evolve into, but the truth was, Renjun needed- wanted- Jaemin more than he wanted- or needed- Renjun.

  
  
  


Jaemin’s reply took about a little less than fifteen hours, which by then, Renjun had just about finished most of his assignments waiting for him. That was honestly, quite a feat because he had a severely ignored paper for his language arts midterm that he had written about one-twentieth of, an entire video to edit for his film class, not to mention several pieces of daily work for a multitude of classes. He even took a three-hour nap.

“Sure”

So simple, bland- but Renjun felt used to it. He replied with the time and left it at that, returning to his laptop to open up a tab he had momentarily forgotten about for Jaemin’s text. This process was familiar- a redundant story he had played for the two of them over and over again. 

Even his messages with Mark were more interesting than this, though the older was often busy and couldn’t keep up a consistent pace. But at least, he put in the effort. With Jaemin, it felt like he was just there, his boyfriend when it was convenient.

It was not something he was overjoyed to realize, but when Jaemin sent a, “hey Injunnie, talk to me ;(“ he picked up the phone again, always rushing to please him. - So maybe, it was just him who was an idiot to the core. 

Then again, he had yet to put much of the blame on Jaemin. If Renjun was honest, he had always felt he was the reason this relationship just kept going- he wasn’t strong enough to just break it off completely. 

He stared at the empty space behind his laptop, clenched his fist-  _ I can’t do this anymore _ . He was tired. Tired of it, this relentless cycle that he was always thrown back into this horrid repetition. Whoever was turning back his time and making him relive every piece of their relationship in a never-ending loop, with all the previous memories attached- was truly twisted. 

  
  


Jaemin was waiting for him when he stumbled out his dorm building for Jeno’s room. Apparently, his expression was a little  _ too _ blatantly surprised for Jaemin looked at him strangely.

“What? You don’t think I wouldn’t pick up my own boyfriend?” Jaemin asked.

Renjun bit back the urge to say  _ I’m your boyfriend when it’s convenient _ . He has some tact. Renjun adored Jeno, for the other’s naivety, kindness, and whatever positive words people used on their friends. It would be awkward if he instigated a fight before they even arrived.

So he shook his head, muttered something like, “No, nothing,” and followed Jaemin five minutes across the student dorm campus to Jeno’s dorm. Fortunately, or not, Jaemin took no notice of Renjun’s distance. 

It was sort of funny, though, how Jaemin ended up sitting with Donghyuck, and Renjun ended up sitting with Kun. It was like they never got back together- for the nth time. Renjun ignored Kun’s pitying looks for about five minutes as he savored the taste of matcha boba, debating whether or not to pour vodka into it.

“I’ll be fine,” he says finally. He didn’t look at Kun. “I’ll figure it out.”

Kun’s sigh makes him think the elder is the older brother he never had, “Figure this out soon, or I will.” Renjun made a mental note to have another crisis soon because while Kun is a relatively normal person, dating  _ Ten _ , of all people, has made his morals a bit… skewed. As much as he loves Kun for wanting to stick up for him, he does not want blood spilled over something as small as a complicated relationship. 

  
  
  


Renjun takes an intoxicated Jaemin back to their dormitory building at near midnight, blatantly pretending Kun doesn’t watch them go. He can practically taste the alcohol on the other’s lips, the arm he slung around his own drowned shoulders too heavy. 

He barely manages to get them into the elevator before Jaemin giggles, leans into him and kisses him. Renjun couldn’t remember the last time that he’d kissed him, but the hard liquor is too much. Renjun pushes him away for the first time in years. Aggressively.

“Stop it,” Renjun wants to cry, but one of them has to hold it together because Jaemin’s eyes are glazed with alcohol and he just stares stupidly at Renjun, whose too close to another mental breakdown to be soothing a drunk disaster. 

Jaemin slurs out an, “I love you” when Renjun guides him to the front door of his dorm. 

Renjun freezes entirely. 

He doesn’t come back to himself until Jaemin grabs him by the wrist, “I love you, Junnie. Do you… love me?” Renjun is just staring at him now, forgetting about the staring that Jaemin’s roommates were doing, whose names he just conveniently forgot in that moment.

He wants to say  _ yes _ and  _ I don’t know _ and  _ not anymore _ in one breath, but he swallows all of them down and just says as if he’s just soothing a drunk and not his not-really boyfriend of five years or the boy he’d rip out his heart for- just, a drunk friend, whom he was just too deeply into.

“I love you too,” he says softly. “Get some sleep, Jaemin.” Tomorrow, Jaemin will wake up with a pounding headache, and he’ll complain in their group chat until someone designates the duty of giving him some hangover food to Renjun, and they’ll turn back to that miserable, infinite loop. 

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

  
  
  


When morning comes, Renjun is less than surprised by the commotion Jaemin has made in the chat. Donghyuck is the first to ask him to get Jaemin to shut up, and for once, Renjun barely complains before he gets out of made, makes a short work of toast, topped with avocado and bananas, not to mention the less healthy double decker bento of spicy dry ramen noodles and leftover soup. He drops the food off at Jaemin’s dorm to his dorm mates’ relieved faces.

Renjun doesn’t stick around. He knows Jaemin will eat it. 

In about an hour, the speed of messages bombarding his phone slows down to barely anything, Presumably because Jaemin has stopped complaining now that his hangover is gone. Renjun is left to have the crisis he had made the mental note of doing last night, sliding down the wall onto the floor, lost in thought. His mind wanders through memories, though in his mind certain things have become a blurred mess, only remembering the voices that accompanied each memory, bare breaths and raw laughter that took to the air.

It’s sort of nice of Jaemin to knock, about two hours later, just in time for Renjun to steel himself.

He looks better. No drunken slurs or random spurts of “I love you”. Jaemin invites himself to sit at Renjun's desk. His roommates are out for the weekend and Renjun just sits listlessly on his bed. He’s finally taken too much, too much to not force himself to look at it again, and figure it was time to let it all go.

“Did I say anything bad when I was drunk?” Jaemin asked. His voice is a mix of gentle and worried. “My dorm mates said you looked…” He doesn’t finish. Renjun wonders, for a brief moment, how they had described him, but decided he wasn’t in the mood to care.

“You didn’t say anything bad,” Renjun says quietly. “You said ‘I love you’ and asked me… if I loved you.”

“Oh,” Jaemin’s relief quickly turns into confusion. “But-” he tried again. “But they said you looked surprised,  _ heartbroken _ -”

“I want to break up,” Renjun cuts in, too calm, too sudden that Jaemin just  _ sits _ there, looking at him. Confusion turns into pain, betrayal, heartache, but Renjun wonders how long it will last, that open wound.

“W-why?” It's been a long time that Renjun has witnessed Jaemin trip over his words. He’s just staring at him now, as if Renjun were just something he’d wrong, maybe he’d meant something else, something less than the shatter of a fragile heart but-

Renjun closes his eyes, “I- It’s not you, not really- it’s me. I can’t keep doing this, Jaemin. You’re tearing me apart every time we break up, get back together, and then break up again. This relationship is just too much to handle- it’s not- it hurts,” Renjun pretends there is not a tsunami happening in his gut. “Just… please let me be selfish.”

It burns, looking at Jaemin, who’s just staring at him like this is a surreal dream, as if in this universe, the thought of Renjun walking away- pushing him away had never occurred. It was almost funny, how much Jaemin had seemed to expect that they’d just fall back into each other’s arms again and again once Jaemin got tired of his other ventures. His nod is heavy, like he’s bowing his head for execution.

When Jaemin leaves, closing the door gently behind him, Renjun puts his head into the crook of his arms and just cries. 

  
  
  


One thing Jaemin knows, is that Renjun doesn’t break things off if he thinks it can be fixed. He knows, because Renjun didn’t give up on Donghyuck when he was trying to drive himself away from their group, he didn’t give in, when Chenle wanted to take his life. He certainly had never fallen asleep on the phone with Jisung when he was having a breakdown. He never broke up with Jaemin first. Until now.

He looks at the closed door to Renjun’s dorm, and remembers the first time he fell in love with him. It was a moment so simple, fleeting and quick, but Jaemin remembered it like it was just a moment ago.

_ Two months. That was how long he’d known Renjun before he fell for him.  _

_ Renjun had slid into the seat next into him in detention, his smile a lesser version of Donghyuck’s smug one. His knuckles were still bruised and red from the force he had used to force the bullheaded senior back a few steps, just enough into Donghyuck’s waiting form, who tackled him and held him down as Jeno and Mark pummeled him in the face. _

_ “He won’t call you the F word again,” Renjun said. “I’ll make sure he can’t get a job for the rest of his life if he tries it.” The tone is too light, too calm and calculating for such a heavy threat. Jaemin is both awed and scared at the same time with his self-assurance.  _

_ “You didn’t need to do that for me,” Jaemin said, still slightly dumbfounded how all four of them collectively decided to just take the senior in the middle of the hallway.  _

_ Renjun reached over, locked his pinky with Jaemin, and the latter looks at their intertwined fingers, then Renjun’s steady expression, and he can just feel himself fall into that thing people called a crush, except instead of giddiness, he felt security, amongst the rock lodged in his throat.  _

_ “That’s what friends do, idiot,” he said, but Jaemin wasn’t offended by the insult. He now wanted more than Renjun’s friendship. _

  
  
  


Jaemin politely spends the next few weeks drowning his shock and pain in parties and binge watching netflix in a rotating cycle. There are too many empty ice cream bins to count, yet the sharp edge of the knife in his gut is sharper than the memory of his mother’s scoldings about eating too much ice cream. 

So, this is what it felt like, to lose someone. Jaemin fiddled with the half empty bin of ice cream, staring at his laptop but not processing any of the film he had chosen. Everything just felt the same these days, a mind numbing routine. It was punctuated with bouts of grief harsh enough for him to want to throw up the ice cream he had consumed. But nothing ever came up. 

It was awful, these raging waves of heartache. Jaemin’s fingers shake when he looks at his dull eyes in the mirror, mimicking the way that Renjun had intertwined their pinky fingers to himself in the mirror, as if it would make him feel better. It doesn’t.

Jaemin does it anyway, as if it would save him.

  
  
  


Donghyuck is lying on Jaemin’s bed when the latter returns from an especially head throbbing party thrown by one of the seniors of the school. Jaemin had already forgotten his name, but he was pretty sure they were on good terms and they had hard liquor, not that Jaemin had drunk any of it, more immersed in the tight mass of bodies bouncing to the rhythm of the music. 

“You look like shit,” he laughed, but it was more of a statement, an observation he would write down in a lab more than anything. Jaemin didn’t bother refuting, one because it was true and two because he didn’t have the energy.

“Thanks,” Jaemin replied listlessly, flopping down at his desk. None of his roommates were around. “What do you want, Donghyuck?” Donghyuck didn’t answer immediately, just silently studied his face like it could answer his unspoken questions.

“You’re awfully broken up,” he mused. “Considering how much time you’ve spent just dragging Renjun through hell, I didn’t think you’d have this much emotion left in you.”

Jaemin snapped his head back up, in sync with the sudden flare of heat- anger- in his chest, “Fuck you,” he said hoarsely. “I’ve loved him since high school.”

“I know, ever since Renjun got his first detention because of you,” Donghyuck bit back. He shoved the flat top of his phone into Jaemin’s chest. “How many times do you think he’s cried his eyes out because you broke up with you when he was trying so hard to make the relationship work? Shit Jaemin, you haven’t seen him heartbroken like that,  _ ever _ . I’ve known him forever, he hasn’t cried over a boy that hard or that much since you came along. What the  _ fuck _ have you been doing to him? Now you want to say you love him? If you loved him you wouldn’t use him as a rebound for all your failed relationships!”

Donghyuck doesn’t yell. He does, but not like this. He’s always screaming or shouting about something stupid, alwas lightening the mood, but he’s never yelled at Jaemin, or yelled in general because of anger- or pain- or grief. 

“He kept everything together for you,” Donghyuck said in a small voice. Suddenly, everything felt very, very,  _ very _ , wrong. “What fucking right do you have to be shit-faced over this?”

There’s nothing but static in Jaemin head.

“Donghyuck?” He said slowly. “Tell me he’s okay. Renjun’s okay, right?”

There’s nothing but silence from Donghyuck. His gaze is lost in pain and when he spoke, it drained the blood from Jaemin’s entire body. 

“No, no, he’s not.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you like the fic! if you have any thoughts at all, i would love to know them.


End file.
